If there is one thing you could do to put the odds in your favor or raising children who are happy and successful – however you determine success – would you do it? What if I told you for the next 18-years what you need to do is continue to create a positive home for your child to feel safe, loved, heard and respected, would you do it? Creating a positive home for your family is the one thing to affect your children for their entire lives. Learn what goes into setting the tone for a positive home.
Copyright ongap_
Here is what I know when you don’t grow up in a positive way…
- When your parents are present, but not emotionally available… this hurts you.
- When you don’t receive genuine encouragement or praise, your efforts start feeling worthless.
- Learning you are good enough and deserve good things is established in childhood. When you don’t have this, navigating life, work and social circles become doubly hard.
- A positive home environment sets the tone for good (or bad) relationships you’ll have in your life. What you are taught and what relationships are modeled is what you will accept in your own.
- Anxiety and depression are two of the most common effects linked to negative home environments and dettached parent-child relationships.
When children grow up in a loving, warm and positive home, they are equipped with the tools to develop into balanced and confident people.
I may have been raised in a negative home, but feeling the damage of this, I choose everyday to conscientiously parent my own kids in positive, kind and loving ways.
When you are patient and treat your children with the respect they deserve, the effects of growing up in a warm and loving home will positively affect them forever.
Kids will have an established foundation positive self-esteem, confidence, emotional intelligence and communication skills to guide them to be balanced, happy and resilient people.
This is one of my favorite Positive Parenting Books if you’re looking to dig a little deeper. There are so many great tips to interacting and responding to your kids in meaningful ways, even with back talk and hard behavior.
BONUS: Download How to Create a Positive Home Printable
1) CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY
Your child’s own self-image and self-esteem are linked to two things – home life and peers.The main contributor to a poor self-image and low self-esteem is the environment your child lives in.
Ask yourself… Is your home a positive place they can thrive in or one with negativity and hurtful words and actions?
You may not be able to control what and how peers talk to and treat your kid when they’re at school or on the soccer field, but what you will always have control over is the type of environment you create for your family.
The voice you use when you speak to your child, will be the voice they carry with them always. What you say and feel towards them is the basis of what children believe of themselves.
A voice of encouragement, love and patience, support and acceptance… this is the voice you should instil in your child. No other persons will have as much of an impact on your child as YOU, their parent.
Trust me.
Our world now is build around imagery and language that can be hurtful and detrimental. Messages, language, and behaviors live in a constant state of parallax between positive and negative, right and wrong, good and evil, popular and unpopular in the media, books, among friend and peers. They’re demonstrated in behavior, language, stereotypes and how we treat ourselves, and others.
It’s up to parents how we choose to shape our child’s self-esteem, confidence, and self-image and it will ultimately determine how our children choose to stand up to pressures that can negatively impact them.
The single most important factor in this equation is the environment and learning that takes place at HOME.
The one thing that should remain constant in your child’s life – the safest place, where they are free from negativity, and feel the best about themselves – should always be your home and the people in it.
Your home should be a nurturing place for children to develop a positive self-image, confidence, and attitude.
Developing an environment where children and families will thrive, is something you have to be intentional about. Like any positive habit, it requires work, patience and a lot of repetition.
So, how do I help my child feel good about themselves? How do I help them have high self-esteem and make positive choices?
2) POSITIVE PRAISE & ENCOURAGEMENT
When you are teaching your child how to begin riding a bike, which scenario do you think would help them learn these skills and feel confident trying on their own? ?
- A) You get excited when they balance and learn to peddle on their own. You cheer for their accomplishment and support them when they struggle to learn a concept, remaining positive until they get the hang of it.
- B) Your child is throwing a fit because they’re scared of falling and frustrated they they aren’t picking it up quickly. You are annoyed and snap and them not following directions and and say they aren’t trying hard enough. The tone of your voice is sharp and unkind.
The first scenario of rewarding behavior with excitement and warmth. The positive praise you use works and he wants to keep trying because of your encouragement.
In the second scenario your child feels defeated… he’s working so hard but all you’re offering in return is criticism. It’s clipped and harsh and instead of wanting to work hard and try again, he gives up because he feels like a failure.
These are he basic principles of positive praise and encouragement and how it affects a child deeply.
Children connect with you when they’re encouraged with compliments, constructive praise and feedback. They shut down when you criticize their abilities and don’t commend them for their hard work, effort and a job well done.
Helpful Read: Learn what constructive praise is and how to properly use it.
3) BE AFFECTIONATE
I’m not a touchy person by nature with the exception of my children. I am overflowing with love and I show them all the time by hugging them, holding them, cuddling on the couch, holding hands and telling them how much I love them.
It reminds them I care about them and long term, the consideration and love I demonstrate will help them feel comfortable expressing their feelings to me at a time when they’re hurting, in trouble or just want to open up and talk, as well as in their own relationships.
It’s important to show affection to children when they’re hurt and have done something that was wrong or broken rules. This reinforces to them, that even when something is wrong, you unconditionally love them regardless of the circumstance.
I know its hard when your child has hurt your feelings to go to them and show affection, but this is when they need your love the most and as an adult, you need to put your pride aside.
The invaluable lesson you’re teaching your child is much bigger than the feelings you yourself are having.
4) HELP THEM TO BUILD A POSITIVE MINDSET
Words like stupid, dumb, fat, ugly and jerk should have no place in your house. And while kids may hear these works outside of the house, they stop at the door and shouldn’t be used within your family’s safe space.
Your house is a safe haven for your children, and negative talk towards themselves and towards others doesn’t have a place in your home.
Tip: Eliminate or limit electronics, television shows, movies, social media and music that use negative terms and language.
5) MODEL THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO SEE
We’ve all heard the saying, “Monkey See, Monkey Do.” Never is it more important to consider than now.
Children learn from their parents how to act, treat others, talk to themselves and language to use. Modeling positive behavior at home demonstrates how to be respectful, caring, loving, positive and confident in their own skin.
When I complain that I look ugly, my daughter may tell herself that she looks ugly. And do I want her believing she’s anything less than the beautiful and incredible little person she is? Nope.
Body Confidence is just as important as self-confidence and something that parents can squash in a child, even if it’s with their own negative self-talk. The personal kindness and forgiveness we extend to ourselves, is an extension to our children too.
So while I’m working to help my children be positive and build their confidence, I also need to manage the way I speak aloud and internally to myself so that I can be the best role model for them.
Children are especially perceptive; they pick up on everything! Have you noticed that too? Little ears and eyes look to their parents as role models for behavior and interaction cues.
For example, my son wears button down shirts almost every day because that’s what his Dad does and he looks up to him. My daughter uses the same words I use when she’s trying to explain to her brother she doesn’t like what he’s doing, because this is what they know and learned at home from me.
Is it your child’s or your own behavior that needs improvement? Now is the time to change your behavior so your children don’t follow suit.6
6) MAKE YOUR KIDS FEEL SPECIAL EVERY DAY
The best and most effective way to build children up and show them that their home is a safe and loving place is to spend quality time with them.
This is as simple as family dinners together or going for a walk around the neighborhood and talking. It doesn’t mean you’re handing over a small fortune for a beach vacation or even a babysitter, it’s about spending time together without devices and distractions and showing them that they matter to you.
Going beyond having family time together, set up time for each parent to have one on one with each child.
Something simple things like taking a walk together or grabbing a cup of ice cream to just sit down and talk is all you need. Show your children that you want to spend time with them individually means the world to them.
While your child may only be a toddler or in preschool, it’s never too early to start talking about feelings and making sure the lines of communication are established.
If your child is ever in the position of needing to talk about a bad experience of someone who is hurting them, you want them to know you are their safe place and they can come to you to talk about what’s troubling them.
Having a positive home will contribute to building your child’s emotional intelligence and ability to communicate with you.
Helpful Read: 8 Simple Ways to Spend Individual Time With Each of Your Kids
DEAR MOM…
No house is perfect. No day is perfect. Having a positive home is a goal for 90% of the time, in-between meltdowns and tantrums and imperfect parenting and life events that derail even the best of intentions.
Parenting is a hard, hard job but loving your children isn’t.
Showing them that you love them, even when you may not like their behavior, isn’t hard.
No one’s parenting is perfect; we’re all figuring it out day after day but putting in the effort and the work to have a positive home is the difference maker.
Love your children. Tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Use caring and kind words towards them, towards others and yourself.
BONUS: Download How to Create a Positive Home Printable
It’s so true that what you do now will set the tone for forever. These are great tips for providing a positive home that will ensure a great relationship with you child to where they’ll want to come back and visit when they’re older. Thanks for sharing and linking up with us for some #mommatime!
I hope they come back and visit all the time 🙂 Thanks for reading, glad you liked it!
Our actions are so very important to the growth and development of our children. I couldn’t agree with you more! It does take some practice to monitor what I am saying, especially after a long day at work. As parents our jobs do not end with what we say to our kids, but also in the words that we don’t say to them.
Absolutely! My kids see and hear everything I tell them and when I don’t say anything at all. They’re little mirrors of ourselves.
Such a great reminder of how our words impact our babies! I love how you also mention to stop the negative talk, that can be a hard one to do when we say some things out of habit but don’t mean it in a bad way.
Kids see and hear everything we do, so not only are we helping them out by stopping these bad habits, we’re helping ourselves too. It definitely takes time to step back and realize our bad habits. 🙂
Yes, changing negative habits can be very challenging and I suppose the first step is identifying the habits one needs to change to create the most positive home environment possible for your child. Changing my voice, tone and loudness level is critical in conveying my thoughts and words when I speak to my child to enable a positive outcome for our relationship over the long run.
I love this trick! Changing your voice to a whisper or a funny foreign accent or high-pitched, etc. works wonders. Thanks for bringing this suggestion up!
These are really great tips and an important reminder. Setting an example of positive thinking and speaking will follow our kids forever.
Thanks! I think, as long we’re conscious of how we act and talk, and consciously trying to set a good example, we will.
I’m so glad I found you and this awesome blog!
I agree wholeheartedly; children really Do “learn what they live”. It’s especially challenging for us to remember to be kind and forgiving to ourselves when we don’t act like the parents we want to be. I have often told parents in my previous practice that “I’m glad there are no hidden cameras in my house!”
I’m so glad you found it too! I think that parenting sometimes is easier than working on ourselves as parents and people, though they go hand-in-hand. Setting a good example and leading by example is much harder when you have kids who don’t miss a thing. Thanks for commenting!
It is so true that how we talk to ourselves affects our children! No matter how hard we strive for a positive home if we are beating ourselves up our children watch us and believe they need to treat themselves that way too.
Absolutely! And even when I think they’re not watching or listening, those little ears and eyes never miss a thing. Thanks for commenting!
I totally agree with you that we should build our kids up at home because the world will just tear them down. We are having a problem at our house because my husband tends to be very negative towards our kids…..I think it is just because that is how his dad was to him, but I still hate it. He calls our oldest stupid a lot and I would hate for her to grow up thinking that she is. Any advice on how to deal with a husband that thinks that is an acceptable way to act?
It is incredibly hard to break habits passed from parent to child but even harder to come to the realization of how you view yourself, and how you talk and treat yourself is inexplicably linked to how you parents taught you your own self-worth and what confidence you may have. Your husband has to realize that the words he puts in your daughter’s head will stick with her for a long, long time. If she’s being called “stupid” by one of the people she loves the most and who she looks to for guidance, then at some point, she’s probably going to start believing those words and she might even resent or distance herself from that relationship. You have to curb the demeaning, belittling talk to your daughter before she starts looking at herself like this as well! What is it that’s making your husband call her this – what are the emotions he’s having that trigger this reaction? Frustration, anger, loss of control, lack of patience? The problem obviously isn’t your daughter, even if she may have done something, this is a terrible reaction. The problem is that your husband doesn’t know how to deal with his reaction to the trigger that caused him to say these things.
My daughter is 5 and she just does things like normal 5 year olds do. My husband claims he just can’t tolerate stupidity. I tend to cut her a lot of slack since she is 5. She doesn’t reason very well….like she will always ask me who was born first, her or me, etc.
Amanda I saw your post and it made me want to comment from a “Dads” perspective. I am just guessing but I bet your husband feels like he is a strong Man/Dad and he is protecting your daughter (guys love to protect) by treating her that way. There is a great book I suggest called “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” (or something similar). It is written just for Dad’s. One of the points I loved in the book is being a parent is not for wimps and your husbands daughter needs his protection. Your daughter is not the enemy its those outside influences that are trying to tear her down that are the enemy. She just needs his love and protection. She needs to KNOW that she is always SAFE around Dad. If your husband is a mans man or a tough guy (thats how I think to) then he should take courage in knowing who is the enemy and who it is that needs protecting. Its takes a strong man to be a great Dad. Generational habits are hard to break we all have them. He wont get it right all the time (none of us do) but when he screws up if he goes and talks to your daughter one on one and apologizes then thats OK to. There is tons of research out their that daughters who have a bad relationship with Dad tend to always need a boyfriend so thats his motivation to change 🙂 Let me share a personal story about generational change. My Dad is great and well loved BUT he would tend to get yelled at while working and take it with a smile and then come home and yell at the family. We knew he did not mean it and he loved us but it still hurt. So I made a commitment to not do that with my kids. When someone crosses the line at work and takes it out on me at work I dish it right back. I am actually a really nice guy but now I have this reputation BUT I would rather not internalize that anger and then take it out on those I love the MOST. Probably not the best example but its something I decided to change in my family. With your love and encouragement he can do it 🙂
Thanks, Dustin. I am going to look into that book, it might make a good fathers day gift 🙂
My husband is a great guy, but he came from a home life of tough love and I came from coddling. I want our girls to grow up with something in the middle.
I think it’s great that you deal with your emotions right then and there at work. You most likely won’t always work with those people, but your kids will always remember the way they were treated.
This is wonderful! I’ve been very intentional lately with my 6-year-old daughter because she has started school and I want to make sure what I’m teaching her at home is carrying over to school. I also want to make sure what she’s bringing home is in line with our morals and values. It’s getting difficult at times but keeping a consistent tone and language really helps her to do the same in her own conversations and relationships with her own friends. I actually overheard her say to her friend a few days back that she “shouldn’t use that word because it can be hurtful.” I didn’t hear the word, just the conversation afterwards, however, it made me smile that she took action on something that sparked in her mind that maybe wasn’t nice.
Hi Heather. Thanks for the lovely comment, it brought a smile to my face today. Isn’t it great when you can see your children picking up and using the positive approaches you work so hard to instill? This is one of my favorite things too. I love catching my kids in action! I loved your article, “Tolerance: Teaching Our Children The Value Of Difference.” My son and I just had a talk about treating other people who are different with respect and kindness this morning and I thought of your article. Couldn’t agree more!
Beautiful!!i love it!!
Thank You!
This is 100% true. I have a son with special needs and it is so easy to find fault and get frustrated and run out of patience but the difference in him when we focus on the positive things – even the smallest of things makes a huge difference. There is a book called “The Nurtured Heart” which helps us be positive and loving and kind every day. Thanks for reminding us all about the value of praise and positive thoughts.
Love, thanks for your comments and for the book recomendation – I’m going to check it out!
I’m a little late to this game, but thank you so much for posting this. It’s a much-needed reminder to me to stop the negative talk. I’m rarely, if ever, negative toward my kids; however, not a day goes by where I don’t say something like “I feel so fat,” or “ugh, my hair looks terrible!” My kids are super little, but they’re starting to repeat, and I don’t want these phrases to be in their lexicon. Sometimes we’re so good at directing praise towards others, but we forget to give ourselves a little verbal love.
Thanks Emma, being positive with ourselves is sometimes the hardest to redirect. I know I have to remind myself of this too!
This is exactly what I have been trying to work on in our home. I feel like we (especially me) have been swallowed up by negativity and yelling because of stress. I think stepping back and thinking about the impact on our kids is huge! We are definitely going to be working on this at our house. Thanks for the great reminder!
Hi Kristy, I know that stress can build up and make me impatient or irritable too.Sometimes I have to put up sticky notes to remind myself of little things, because its so hard to always be conscious of everything we say and do especially around our kids. You’re doing great mama!
Thank you so much for your honesty and your writing!!! Love it! Sending best wishes from Europe………