• PARENTING
    • POSITIVE PARENTING
    • MOM LIFE
    • CHILD SAFETY
    • HEALTHY KIDS
    • ACTIVITIES & BIRTHDAY
    • SCHOOL
    • BABY & MOM FREEBIES
  • SLEEP & ROUTINES
  • BIG EMOTIONS
  • HOLIDAYS
    • GIFT GUIDES
    • CHRISTMAS
    • EASTER
    • HALLOWEEN
    • NEW YEARS EVE
    • VALENTINE’S DAY
↑
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Parenting Tools
  • Learning Tools for Kids

The Pragmatic Parent

Positive Parenting for Connection and Thriving Family, Emotional Tools for Developing Kid’s Emotional Intelligence, Daily Routine Charts & Create a Schedule with Kids, Fun Family Activities, Calm Parenting and Stop Yelling Parenting

  • PARENTING
    • POSITIVE PARENTING
    • MOM LIFE
    • CHILD SAFETY
    • HEALTHY KIDS
    • ACTIVITIES & BIRTHDAY
    • SCHOOL
    • BABY & MOM FREEBIES
  • SLEEP & ROUTINES
  • BIG EMOTIONS
  • HOLIDAYS
    • GIFT GUIDES
    • CHRISTMAS
    • EASTER
    • HALLOWEEN
    • NEW YEARS EVE
    • VALENTINE’S DAY

How to Successfully Set Healthy Boundaries

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

At my first job, I learned very quickly that in order to gain more responsibility and move up the ranks, I had to be the consummate “yes” person. I said yes to extra work, I said yes to working extra hours and events, and I said yes to more and more projects, even if my plate was already full. I would have a brief panic period about the workload I had buried myself under and then dig myself out and tackle the mountain of work.

I kicked myself for always being a people pleaser and the unreasonable workloads I was amassing but continued to move from one job to the next, saying “yes” to requests and rarely uttered the word no. It taught those I worked with that they could schlep their extra work onto my plate and I wouldn’t stop them. It was exhausting and I was tired of being the “yes” person because I couldn’t set healthy boundaries.

It wasn’t until I was a parent that I started learning the power of saying “no.” My priorities were making sure my children were healthy, stayed on routine and had consistent naptimes and bedtimes. I started saying “no” to outings that conflicted with our naptimes, I said no to people visiting if they were sick, I said no to people feeding our kids sweets and I said no to things that took away from our family spending quality time together.

For the first time in my life, I was learning about setting healthy boundaries and listening to my internal self and not making myself, and our children available to everyone, all the time. But other people who were accustomed to not being told no, including family, made me feel selfish and guilty for setting healthy boundaries. No one should be made to feel guilty or bad about the healthy parameters they choose to set in their lives.

Setting Healthy BoundariesI am confident in the choices I make now and the boundaries that I have set because I see that it makes me a happier and healthier person and the choices are right for our family.

Boundaries allow us to take better care of ourselves – emotionally, mentally and physically. So, how do you set healthy boundaries?

 

FOLLOW YOUR GUT

If someone or something is making you uncomfortable, not respecting your wishes or putting you in situations that you don’t want to be in, listen to your intuition telling you enough is enough.

It may be that you are doing something out of obligation or the need to please others when in fact, it’s making you uncomfortable or something you don’t want to do. What about if your beliefs or values being tested and you’re in a situation you’re not comfortable with?

You are responsible for your own happiness and if boundaries need to be placed because your happiness, beliefs, values or lifestyle is being compromised, it may be time to set healthy boundaries.

 

BE CLEAR IN DEFINING THE BOUNDARY

Be crystal clear about what the boundary is that you are setting.

  • Do you want grandparents to stop giving your children sugar?
  • Do you need your mother-in-law to stop going around you to plan family gatherings because your husband will always say yes without talking to you first?
  • Do you allow your boss to call you at home after 8pm to talk about work?
  • Do you feel obligated to check email every night and work from home after the work day is finished?
  • Do you accept family dropping in unexpectedly or would you like a phone call requesting to get together?

Setting boundaries can apply to any aspect of your life – personal time, personal beliefs, family, work and friends. What are boundaries that you would like placed on your life that will help create a happier and healthier environment for you and your family?

 

EXPLAIN WHY YOU NEED BOUNDARIES

What is the reasoning and motivation behind setting the boundary?

Make your compelling argument but note that if you find you don’t have as strong of an argument as you once thought; think long and hard about what you’re trying to set this boundary in the first place.

Is a boundary really necessary or could you discuss your feelings with a person or group that may be causing you to feel the need to create boundaries in a respectful environment?

Don’t sugar coat why you’ve chosen to set this boundary – state your reasoning in a matter-of-fact way and move on. You don’t have to explain yourself or debate why you feel strongly about setting a boundary. For example:

  • If you don’t feed your children sugar and it’s not part of your daily diet, and you ask grandparents to not feed or sneak your children sugar, then they need to respect this boundary.
  • When you leave the office at 6pm, you don’t touch email or work again until the next day and this is your boundary.
  • Your relatives want to visit and stay at your house for a week but you don’t want them in your personal space for that long. Your boundary is that they can visit and stay for only three days, this is your boundary and it should be respected and isn’t up for discussion.

You do not have to justify, apologize for or rationalize why you are choosing to set healthy boundaries. Set the boundary firmly, clearly and move on.

 

DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT YOUR CHOICES

You don’t have to feel guilty about setting boundaries. You are making these decisions for yourself and/or for your family and its something you have chosen because you feel strongly about why a boundary is necessary.

If someone is making you feel bad or guilty about the limits you set, they are choosing to disrespect and undermine your authority and this is not acceptable behavior. You should feel confident and safe is your decision.

You alone are responsible for showing others how they can treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept. It’s not mean to set boundaries and it doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person, it makes you a whole and healthy person who is striving for balance and happiness.

 

DON’T SET BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONAL

It’s easy to set boundaries when you are upset and angry or sad and emotional, but setting boundaries should be something you don’t just demand off-the-cuff. Boundaries are set because you feel a certain way and you see a need to stop behavior or patterns that undermine your choices. Take time to cool off and think the situation through before you make hard rules.

 

DON’T MAKE IT PERSONAL

Setting boundaries isn’t a personal attack nor should they be created as a personal attack.

If you are choosing to set boundaries specifically because a person is making you feel angry, resentful, stressed out, emotionally drained or feeling bitter, then you may be dealing with a toxic person.

A toxic person doesn’t know where boundaries begin or end and will overstep any boundary you set. This is a different situation that may require more than setting boundaries.

Read about Toxic Relationships here.

 

WHAT TO DO IF PEOPLE DON’T RESPECT YOU

Address anyone that doesn’t respect or obey your boundaries and violates your wishes. Stick firm to the boundary – don’t adjust or become more lenient with some and not others. Everyone is subject to the same boundary regardless if it’s a friend, colleague or family member. Address the person that violates your boundary the first time and not after multiples times,

Address the person that violates your boundary the first time and not after multiples times, otherwise, they won’t take your wishes seriously.

Healthy boundaries are created to show others what will be tolerated and what won’t. It’s not about being mean and disrespectful, it’s about listening to ourselves and our wants and needs.

Anyone that doesn’t respect your boundaries and instead sees them as a challenge or an obstacle to overcome is simply being manipulative. You’ll run into people who don’t respect the boundaries you’ve set and in those cases, will be forced to choose if those people are worth having in your life.

 

GO TO YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR BACKUP

This is most likely the person closest to you that understands and respects your feelings – your partner, husband, sister, best friend. This person will stick up for you and won’t invalidate your feelings and reasoning behind setting boundaries. They will support your choices because they want you to be the best version of yourself.

Setting boundaries is important for making your personal and family happiness, self-care and feelings a priority. If something is going against your wishes, personal beliefs and value system, don’t ever feel bad about creating healthy limits to wish you’ll tolerate.

 

 

Want More? 

  • Create a Positive Home for Your Children – It will Affect Them Forever 
  • 15 Healthy Habits Every Mother Should Teach Her Child
  • 25 Fun Ways to be a More Playful Parent with Your Kids
  • What You Need to Do If You Want to Raise Confident Kids
  • How to Help Develop Emotional Intelligence in Children
  • Family Traditions For a Memorable Childhood
  • The Best Inside Activities for High-Energy Kid

 

Filed Under: MOM LIFE

Comments

  1. Kristen says

    May 29, 2016 at 12:30 AM

    I really need to work on not always saying yes and setting boundaries. I just don’t like confrontation but it’s some thing I need to learn to do to better my life. Thanks for the great tips and for linking up for some #mommatime!

    Reply
    • Corinne says

      May 30, 2016 at 3:16 PM

      Before kids, and sometimes still, I just give in because I don’t like confrontation either but them I’m always overloaded with work or stuck doing something I wish we hadn’t committed to. I love the linkup, so many great posts!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

CAN THIS HELP YOUR FAMILY TO THRIVE?

Grab your FREE copy of 8 Not-So-Great Parenting Habits to Break Today (& Simple Fixes for Big Changes) when you join 65,000+ Other Readers who Receive the Weekly Parenting Tip & Printables

**We never spam or distribute your details.

Free Baby Products for Mom and Freebies for Baby. Stock up on awesome baby essentials and new baby products you'll need and use. These baby essentials come in a variety of patterns including baby wrap, baby sling, baby carrier, carseat canopy or carseat cover, hooded towels, nursing pillow, pregnancy pillow and more.

Raising children can feel overwhelming. Let me help!

CHECK OUT MY FREE EMAIL COURSES

Could you use a little extra help?

HERE YOU'LL FIND THE MOST POPULAR PARENTING RESOURCES

72 Printable Family Conversation Cards

$5.00

Kid's Positive Affirmation Cards

$5.00

Calm Mama Kit (4 Most Popular Tools)

$26.99

WHAT'S TRENDING...

help for a child with anxiety

The Known (and Unknown) Signs Of Child Anxiety

Positive Parenting Solutions to Be a Calm Mom & Get out of the Yelling Cycle. 9 tips to stop yourself from yelling at your kids & have a great relationship.

9 Positive Parenting Solutions for a Yell Free Home

It's never too early to start have these safety conversations & teach kids about body safety. Important body safety rules to include in daily conversations.

10 Body Safety Rules Parents Must Teach Children

Stop entertaining your kids and teach children to play by themselves. Alone time is good! Tips to help your child learn to play independently.

Encourage Independent Play Time & Why Kid’s Don’t Need Entertaining

RECEIVE THE WEEKLY PARENTING TIP

Grab your FREE copy of 8 Not-So-Great Parenting Habits to Break Today (& Simple Fixes to Big Changes) when you join Over 65,000+ Other Parents & Readers who Receive the Weekly Practical Parenting Tip & Occasional Freebie

We never spam or distribute your email.

  • HOME
  • ABOUT
  • CONTACT
  • SHOP
  • PRIVACY POLICY
  • TERMS OF USE
Copyright ©2023, The Pragmatic Parent. All Rights Reserved.
Design by Pixel Me Designs